Yep, I'm not dead yet.

It's been more than a little wild around here with the kitchen remodel going on.  Nearly every spare minute has been spent with some construction project or searching the inter webs for stuff and ideas.  The kitchen is finally staring to come together with the installation of the cabinets starting late last week.  If things go smoothly we should be able to cobble together a functional kitchen within two to three weeks.  I'm not holding my breath cause you know how construction stuff goes.

On other fronts Mom is still being herself, though I'm letting her.  The last couple of doctor visits have subtracted two different meds from her LONG list.  She was still getting dizzy just this last week though nothing is showing on her implanted heart monitor.  Hopefully the removal of these meds will prove fruitful.

Sonny Boy has started football now full force.  Four days a week, two hour practices.  You might think this was the NFL, not 5th grade peewee.  He likes it though, and he's comfortable with his coaches, a big improvement over last year.  Igor is rather bored this summer.  Both boys go down to the pool daily but Sonny Boy generally hangs out with a group of kids his age that are there while Igor swims.  Igor's social circle is smaller and he is not near as social as Sonny Boy and being on the younger side of the pool crowd leaves him out a bit.

This week it was officially announced that my hometown school district is closing.  It's not really unexpected, the place has been in decline for a long time.  Low enrollment, poor achievement, and plagued with mismanagement it is time.  This will be the last nail in the coffin the small town has been filling for a while now.  A strange feeling knowing your school (heck the whole district) will no longer exist.

A solution - maybe

It's 1:00 am and I've been googling for several hours now.  Unfortunately the search engine that tries to answer every question anyone can come up with can't answer mine.  How do I help my mother to help herself?  It's not there, and frankly the information I can find doesn't help me feel much better about the situation.

The official term for it is self neglect.  Mom fits all the factors and several of the early stages, alas there is really no solution to slow or stop the progression.  The problem is entirely hers.  Frustrating as I watch her simply disintegrate into nothing waiting on me to pick up the pieces.

Therefore I have come to the conclusion I can't do it any more.  I can't spend endless hours at the hospital every time she is admitted, I can't be her on-call taxi service, I can't be her social liasion.  I will no longer do those things.  I will take her to the store, library, and any other reasonable errand she needs to run once a week.  I will attend her doctor appointments with her so I can bully her into action when I feel it's necessary.  I will no longer hound her about smoking, about not eating even reasonably decent, or not getting even minimal excercise ( well at least as much as I can keep my big fat mouth shut). To NOT do is inherently harder than to do.  To give up and realize it is entirely out of my control is not in my vocabulary.  I find it so damn difficult to let her be when I know she hasn't dressed in three days, or walked outside, or washed her dishes, or eaten a fruit or vegetable.  I can't continue to parent my parent when she doesn't even show the same amount of responsibility that my 11 and 7 year old do.

I am at a loss, and I must let go for my own sanity.

...And they're always glad you came

In my job I often work the circulation desk to cover for breaks, lunch, or simply when the clerk gets over whelmed with too many patrons.  Mostly I enjoy it, I see a ton of people and I'm starting to learn some of the more frequent visitors.  The public library is a haven for all - and I wouldn't change that- but we certainly get a wide variety of the population of our small town through the doors on a frequent basis.

Perhaps the one that intrigues me most is "Doris" (I do know her real first name).  I have seen Doris for years around town and occasionally at the swimming pool.  Doris is very hard to describe, one gets the impression she is doing her best to appear ghost like as she conducts her mysterious errands. Near daily she comes in and pulls a paperback and reads for a while, returns the book and leaves.  Doris rarely speaks to anyone, doesn't stay terribly long, and never checks out materials.  I have spotted her through the window of the coffee shop, and a co-worker said told me she frequently drinks coffee at a nearby family diner.  I do not think she is homeless, as she is fairly well groomed and clean.  She also must have some disposable income to appear at the pool - though in fairness I don't know if she is attending this year.  No one really knows her story, which in our small town is rare for the eccentrics.  My best guess is she is autistic to some degree, and the library is part of her normal routine.

The last couple of days I've had patrons that after a few brief words it has hit me "oh!autism!"  Yesterday was guy roughly 30 years old who was asking about a book.  Not unusual, except for the amount of enthusiasm he had for a novel that was primarily written for 14 year old girls.  When I checked for the book and discovered that our library did not have it, but we could bring it in, I garnered the same reaction as if I'd pooped on the desk.  I was then quizzed about the availability of bookstores in town (none) and how fast could I get the loaner copy and could his dad reserve it?   The guy then goes out and retrieves his father who brings in his card to place the hold.  Dad didn't look too thrilled about the whole operation.

We of course have a wide variety of patrons with a wide range quirks.  A nearly blind lady we have a specific computer with special contrast on.  A mildly developmentally delayed mother with a severely delayed daughter who loves Japanese anime.  A local history junkie who is forever combing through microfilm and the the regulars who come in and check their e-mail and Facebook.

While living in a small town has its disadvantages (a serious lack of dining options being one) it has a sense of community I don't think is shared in cities.  A place where Doris is free to haunt around and people look out for her, and the library keeps a computer for one specific patron's use.

Where everybody knows your name.

Up All Night

I haven't been doing well lately.  I finally managed to taper off the meds the not so ethical TMJ doc put me on.  The bummer is that the reason I was started on those meds is back full force.  Nothing like clenching your teeth together as hard as possible for hours at a time to make you feel good.  Honestly, try it.  Clench your back teeth together as hard as you possible can - count to 10, release.  That is what I do all night.  Yes I have a night guard, and I probably wouldn't have teeth without it, but I just chomp down on that.  I wake up 4 or 5 days a week with at least a moderate headache and feel like somebody has punched me in the face repeatedly.  On good days I can drug away the pain and start to feel OK by noon, but often not much helps.  Somedays the pain finally starts to fade by late evening.  When I finally start to feel better I don't really want to rush into bed to start the cycle over again, even though I'm rather sleepy.  Hence Up All Night.

Seems as though my blood pressure is sky rocketing as well.  I was standing in line at the pharmacy the other day and for grins I thought I would sit down at the little blood pressure thing and try it out.  My blood pressure was screaming high.  I came home and found Hubby's blood pressure cuff and took my BP after resting a bit, it was still high.  I've been taking my BP at different times of  day and its still really high.  I'm recording it for the doctor and will call to try to try and get a quick appointment in the next day or so.

I've been googling and I found a med I want to try and see if it helps with the clenching issues.  I hope the doctor will write me a scrip to try it.  I guess she'll write me one for blood pressure med too. Maybe if I can get the crazy clenching under control the blood pressure will come down on its own.

In other news... Mom has an electrophysiology study this week.  Hopefully they can find the cause of these fainting epiosodes and she can start driving again.  The kitchen has stalled with the installation of a window that was significantly smaller than we anticipated and the need to reorder, and install again.  We don't even want to discuss the cost factor.  The boys are living at the swimming pool.  Work sucks.

Well, I should go to bed and start the pain cycle over.  It's 1:00am and I should try the dr's office and see if I can get in early in the morning before I go into work.

What a whiney post.  Just drivel.

Little of this, a little of that

We are currently living in self induced chaos.  I'll explain.  On May 1 we started an extensive kitchen remodel.  We boxed up the dishes, and started destruction.  Things are moving forward but when making a pot of coffee is an adventure you tend to start to hate things and just wish you had your old stained kitchen sink back.

Not only is the kitchen destroyed it has in turn trashed every other room in the house.  The kitchen by necessity had a TINY pantry that had the washer and dryer stuffed into it.  We are going to move the laundry upstairs and make use of the odd little room we have Hubby's "office" in.  He rarely uses it, and doesn't have a beef with sharing it with the laundry machines.  In the meantime though the laundry is taking over.  I've done several loads of laundry at Mom's, and a morning at the laundrymat which was all kinds of fun.  The plumber is here right now running plumbing up to the new laundry room.  Hopefully, I'll have a washing machine running by the end of the day.  The bummer is Hubby was called out of town last minute and the washer is in the living room!  Alas I will have to wait to get laundry done unless I can beg a man or two to wrestle the beast up the stairs.  I still have to go buy a dryer as well because our dryer was getting on in years and spewed lint everywhere when the lint trap was opened.

I am trying to be mellow about the half camping conditions we are enduring but after a few weeks its getting old already.  Hubby is working hard at it, and in reality I don't expect completion until August but occasionally I get so tired of the battle to find a spoon, or the layer of dusty grit that has settled on everything and reappears ten minutes after cleaning ( I don't even bother with the floors) I just declare defeat and order a pizza again.

I repeat the mantra " it will be nice when we are done".

Work is somewhat better.  My supervisor was almost pleasant the other day.  I'm still not thrilled with her.  Another position has opened up and I threw my hat in the ring for it.  It will pay a little more and be about the same amount of hours.  I have no idea what days and hours I'll be working as they haven't set a schedule for it yet.  I was warned it would include some evening hours, but that might be better as the kids would be with Hubby then.  We shall see.  The job isn't mine yet.

On the other hand Mom is up to her tricks.  Last week on Her way into physical therapy she's fell flat on her face in the hospital hallway.  Busted up her face pretty good, nothing serious but she looks as if she went a couple of rounds with someone.  She was admitted to the hospital for observation because it was not apparent why she fell because there was nothing there to trip on and it was fishy that she didn't have her arms out to catch herself.  The cardiologist is worried she's having blackout spells again.  After an overnight and some tests she was sent home attached to a heart monitor and an appointment was made to see another specialist this week.  Yi, yi, yi.  If its not one thing it's another.

I suppose we are just busy living life.  Somedays I can't believe how fast it goes by.  Saw a quote the other day I thought fitting.

The days are long, but the years are short.  Sums up things well don't you think?

Toss It

I guess I'm just not that sentimental.  Honestly, I see all things things on Pinterest about saving your kids artwork, school papers and so on and think "Really?"  I just don't see the purpose of saving all the crap crafts the boys make at school, church and scouts.  Currently I have an aluminum pie plate full of dirt sitting in the dining room window.  This somebody's idea of an Easter craft, there is supposed to be grass seed in there to sprout over the "tomb".  Of course it needed water daily and didn't get it, along with the fact the "tomb" collapsed a little on the way home from church.  I could have told that Sunday school genius it wasn't a good idea.

I really wonder how sentimental the kids are about stuff.  I know I have little to no attachment to most items from my childhood.  My mother saved a handful of baby clothes of mine, but I could care less about them, they are more her keepsakes than mine.  Sometimes the boys hesitate when told to toss some item or another and I'll let it go and be tossed around the house for a week or two, after that they lose interest and generally throw it out themselves.

I've been trying to toss things lately.  The giant hutch in the dining room has been cleaned out in an effort to sell it in prep for the kitchen remodel.  We've been shopping and arguing about details the last few weeks.  I have a refrigerator on the front porch and a vent hood insert on the way.  We have decided on a range and hopefully can get it ordered to arrive just as we need it.  The fridge was a clearance at a going out of business so it has to sit.  Now we are arguing about doors and soffits.  I guess we don't have anything important to talk about.  When we remodeled our first house years ago we learned remodeling is a trial on marriage and just argue for the sake of it.  I want a window in the door I can see out of - he does not.  Neither one of will budge, I imagine we will end up with a door both of us hate.

Things are going pretty well.  Sonny Boy had the rods removed from his leg about two weeks ago.  A few months earlier than expected but he is doing way better with physical therapy since.  The bone is healed well and he is not limited in activity as long he is not " skydiving" per the doctor.

I'm beginning to dislike my job.  My direct supervisor has a stick so far up her butt it's amazing.  She treats every mistake I make like its some personal insult to her.  You'd think we were handling life and death issues.  The job it's self is rather dull.  I like everyone else there and the little extra money is nice but sometimes the extra hassle dealing with the kids proves a burden.  I. Not even factoring in the mom and kid watching issues that are sure to arrive this summer.  Hubby has so far talked me down a few times from quitting but I'm beginning to absolutely dread going into work.  I'm lucky enough that I don't HAVE to work and I'm thinking its not worth the stress.  I keep thinking that the witch will lighten up and try to give her space but it hasn't improved.  As for hopes she'll quite, move, be fired that's hopeless as she's been there for years and years, though not in her present job.  One day she was so rude to me in front of another co worker that later the other worker told me she was floored.  I'm not gonna gripe more, like I said its not a HAVE to job, so I'm not gonna stress it.

Well it's late and I'm typing this on the tablet because my shoulder / neck hurts to bad to sit at real keyboard.

Normal Life? Well sort of.

Into a somewhat "normal" rhythm now I think, I hope.

Sonny Boy's leg is mostly healed.  He still has a pretty significant limp and is going to physical therapy a couple of days a week but he is no longer using crutches or falling down for no apparent reason.  His knee still cramps up from time to time and gets sore when he's on his feet for a while but nothing out of reason.  The most odd thing is that his knee is hairy - like really hairy.  Sonny Boy proclaims that his knee is going into puberty before the rest of his body.  He will look a little odd this summer with one skinny hairy leg.  Otherwise he is given free reign by the orthopedic doctor.  Tomorrow we go back for a check but expect little issue.



Igor finally started violin lessons.  Tonight was his first lesson and I really like the teacher.  We will get him an instrument in the next couple of weeks.  I'll rent one as he's little and will need a smaller than full size.  Talk of music lessons and Sonny Boy being sent home with a recorder from school has him wanting lessons as well.  I don't know if I can squeeze another activity in for him as when he's busy, he's busy.  I'm hoping the urge will wear off.  I'm not against the lesson but another activity is going to take a hit in order to do it and I feel he needs the physical aspects of wrestling and football more.

Yesterday a girl rear ended Hubby on his way to work.  If he hadn't sent me pictures with the text I would have assumed it was an April Fool's prank.  Hubby was driving the truck which is out of the ordinary, but was a good thing as the car hit pretty hard, tearing up the bumper and hitch and possibly bending the frame a bit.  The girl's car - some sort of Volkswagon was torn up pretty badly.  Thankfully her insurance was paid up.  What a pain in the buttocks.  I'm really glad it was Hubby driving as I'd have never heard the end of it had it been me, regardless if it was my fault or not.  Hubby LOVES the new truck and the only reason I primarily get to drive it is the lack of fuel economy. 



Mom is busy being Mom.  Today I took her to the psychiatrist and went with her to tattle.  I've learned in the last few months that Mom hasn't exactly been straight forward with her doctors.  The shrink wants her to attend counseling which I think is a fantastic idea but she balked at that.  The doctor adjusted her meds and has her coming back in a few weeks, hopefully by then I will have her talked into counseling.  Tomorrow I take her to yet another doctor appointment to discuss the results of some tests on her bladder.  I hope something can be done as she doesn't empty her bladder totally and is rather incontinent.  I'm scared they will recommend surgery which I don't think is the best thing for her due to her general weakness.  I have also gotten her on the waiting list for the subsidized senior apartments that are across town.  It will be less handy to have her not right next door but the rent is fully half of what she pays now.  I also hope being in an apartment complex filled with people her age or older would be good for her socially.  I don't know, it certainly won't isolate her more than she is already.  There is a six month wait so nothing will happen soon on that front.

Me?  Well I feel like I'm running is several directions at once.  Leaping from fire to fire and not getting much accomplished.  Hubby took the boys to his mother's over spring break and I stayed home so I wouldn't miss any more work (I had missed two days earlier in the week due to stomach flu) and had a full four days home alone.  I purchased a bunch of junk food and gorged on Game of Thrones reruns.



 

Speaking of Game of Thrones it's sort of my latest geek obsession.  The new season starts on Sunday and I think we should have a party or something.  If you haven't watched the show go out and get the first season.  If you are offended by nudity, violence or sex you shouldn't watch it, certainly NOT a kids show but so good.  I haven't let the boys see it of course, but I bought a magazine with pictures in it and the kids looked it over good and Igor drew me a picture of dragons fighting.

 

Well the kids are off to bed and I'm off to park in front of more GOT.  They have all the seasons on HBO on demand.  It's the only reason I buy HBO.





True

Today I took Mom to a couple of doctor appointments.  Nothing really new other than some urinary retention issue ( mom doesn't empty her bladder completly) they are going to run a couple of simple test next week.

Not the funny part.  Mom's doctor gave her a list of foods high in potassium that she should eat more of.  - waste of paper if you ask me - but while reading through she reads " cow's milk?  What's that?"  The nurse and I were milk that comes out of a cow!  And that's how my day went.

Book Worms

Finally Sonny Boy has gotten to the age where reading a good book is entertainment.  Last night we sat happily in the living room with our nose in books for several hours.  Sonny Boy comes by it naturally.  My grandmother always had her nose in a book and the family joke was that you couldn't let her go into the bookstore on a shopping trip or she'd never come back out.  Mom was always stealing my library books in high school (there wasn't a library in our little town) and currently reads a lot of fluff, but reads.  Hubby reports he was quite a book worm in elementary school and he still reads a bit when he has time.  FIL read a lot as well, evidenced by boxes and boxes of Louis Lamour we removed from his house.  We come from a long line of book worms.

Igor still isn't a strong enough reader to move onto chapter books.  He's exactly on target for his reading skills, but still not quite advanced enough for it not to be hard work.  One of the miseries joys of being a first grade parent is reading homework and practice.  I was graced with Sonny Boy who was actually reading some before kindergarten.  By the time he reached actual reading instruction he was a fluent reader and really needed little help progressing.  Igor on the other hand needs some help and it's a torture like no other to listen to beginner books stumbled through on a regular basis.  I know I should be more proactive in this sphere as I think being a strong reader sets one up academically to succeed long into life.  Honestly though I'd just rather shove an ice pick into my ear drum.  Generally we pass the torch around so we are not all tortured daily with even Sonny Boy getting in on the act.  I hope Igor gets the Book Worm gene as his reading skills improve, because in a family of readers (and a librarian mother) life will be a little difficult.

My job at the library basically entails processing the new books and DVD's that are received.  I do all the stamping, stickering and enter them into the catalog for circulation.   Lots of piddley details but not the most taxing job.  What amazes me are the popularity of some writers over others.  James Patterson books inevitably have hold list of 50 or 60 people, as well as several other popular writers.  The most popular books - the ones we purchase 7 or more copies of - are by writers I find so formulaic that if you've read two of their books you can pretty much figure out the plot in their other books.  I get that sometimes one just read fluff for entertainment, but the books that hit me as modern literature have pretty low circulation.  I also wonder if people realize that these overly prolific writers are not really writing their own books.  James Patterson seems to release a new book every month with a co-writer no one has ever heard of.  ( I pick on him because he is very obvious - there are other writers just as guilty)  I think I have an ethical problem with this.   To put one's name on a book you obviously could not have written - because you have written 22 other books this year - just seems so wrong and smells of plagiarism.  The authors that "co-write" must get a lot out this, money or at least publishing deals under their own pen to make it worth it.  I'd be damned it I wrote a novel and then let James Patterson or any other author put his/her name on it. 

Off of my soapbox now.

I'm Not a Doctor, But I Play One in Real Life

 

It happened again today.  I was on the phone with a case manager from Mom's insurance company discussing Mom's many maladies, and the lady on the other end of the phone asked if I was a health care professional.  This isn't the first time, the second time, or even the fifth time I have been asked this by nurses, doctors, and others in the medical field.  I don't think I am particularly knowledgeable about things, I do educate myself where I feel it necessary but it makes me wonder just how stupid  ignorant the general public is about basic healthcare.  I'm really good at Google so when I'm given information I Google it.  I read up on reputable sites, sometimes I( gasp ) READ A BOOK and educate myself on the ins and outs of diagnosis and treatments of XY or Z.  I don't think I do an excessive amount of digging around for things, and after scarring the hell out of myself a few times I don't Google things the doctor may have said on a hunch.  I would like to be a fly on the wall in the average doctor's office for a day - or maybe I wouldn't, I might strangle a person who doesn't know the basic function of their organs or why one shouldn't eat bacon three times a day.

 

Today I decided I'm just going to take over Mom's stuff.  I don't really care if she likes it or not.  She is not making good decisions, isn't trying to take care of herself, and generally a nightmare to deal with.  Last week she moved back over to her house and hasn't done a damn thing except sit and smoke.  Today was the first day I've seen her in clothes.  She made some sort of cinnamon stick thing out of a can on Sunday, the leftovers are still sitting on her stove Wednesday - uncovered and stale.  I've gone over and done a few loads of laundry for her and she hasn't bothered to put the clean clothes away and her bedroom is honestly worse than both of the boy's room combined.  After harping at her all week I took the bull by the horns and called a home health agency and they are going to send a housekeeper / sitter out four hours a week.  I was surprised it wasn't more expensive and I told Mom this is what's going to happen.  She agreed, and she's going to pay for it,  shocker.  I have also made an appointment with her shrink, I plan on attending and making sure the she's not glossing over lack of ambition for anything and seeing if we should do some sort of dementia screening.  The crazy things she fights me on I just don't get.  Today her power bill came in, it was neglected while she was in the hospital and had become somewhat in arrears.  I suggested let's get you on budget billing and set up your checking account to auto pay the bill.  OMG, it was like I suggested we sell her car, move into a nursing home and we'll never come see you again.  I can't understand the reaction she had to that.  I frankly told her that it makes things easier for her, for me and the damn bill is paid on time and that's all that really matters.  I set it up and walked her through making it an auto pay on her checking account.  It took about 10 minutes on the phone and about 4 on the computer.  The only thing I can think of is that she liked having the control of paying that bill, but really with her memory problems and my burdens it's more likely the power would be turned off than the bill getting consistently paid on time.

 

Tomorrow is busy with medical appointments ( no wonder I know so much jargon)  I have a dentist appointment to repair a couple of fillings that I had to put off when Sonny Boy broke his leg.  The home health agency is coming by to meet Mom and sign some paperwork - I hope I don't drool on myself from the Novocain - and Sonny Boy has PT after school. 

 

I should get to bed.